In the last few years since we started attending our church, there have been countless times when I heard something in the message that I needed to hear. But this past Sunday, December 29th, I felt as if the guest speaker, Christine Caine, was speaking directly to me. If you've never heard her speak, I urge you to check her out.
Christine spoke about God being the God of the impossible. He takes what we think is impossible and makes it possible. She mentioned giving thanks BEFORE the miracle. It's called eucharisteo, and I've been reading/learning about it while reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's a Greek word meaning thanksgiving, to be thankful. It comes right out of the Gospel of Luke, "And he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and gave it to them." (Luke 22:19 NIV)
Earlier in the Fall, my husband was diagnosed with a tumor in his left inner ear. There were different options, but the one we decided on was surgery. And that surgery will take place January 24, 2014. Less than a month away.
I have ALWAYS been a worrier, and the last few weeks have not been easy for me. And it's not getting any better. He will be under the knife for 12 hours, then kept under sedation in ICU for 3 days. Once he's released from the hospital he will be off work for a minimum of 4 weeks, go through rehab to get his balance back, etc. His employer has reassured him that his job "will be here waiting for you", but that period from when he gets his final check till when he's able to get back to work has me terrified. Like many in our country, we live paycheck to paycheck. We have NO savings. I have a few things I'm doing to try and earn some money, and we've been SO very blessed by the review group that I'm a member of that has helped with our homeschool curriculum. But those nagging little things that are due each month, rent, utilities, food, etc. that keep eating at me.
I know he's worried about this too. And although he doesn't say it, he's also worried about what will happen to the kids and I if something happens, and he doesn't survive the surgery. Recently, my daughter started crying at bedtime one night and clinging to me for dear life, when I asked her what was wrong, she said she was "afraid Daddy would die during his surgery." She is 6, and I know all too well, the heartache of losing your daddy so young. I try to stay strong in front of them, I try to hide the tears when they come. I don't want them to worry, I don't want them to know the fear that is lurking in my heart, that rears it's ugly head on a daily basis. Christine said "If Satan didn't take you out on your worst day, he's not going to take you out on your best".
In one of the songs we sang in worship yesterday, Oceans, by Hillsong:
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
I keep repeating that to myself.
One of the things Christine Caine said was:
And I am trying to do that. I am trying to turn it all over to him, to be strong in the faith that HE already knows how this will turn out. HE is already there and waiting for us.
Christine posted this picture on her Facebook wall on Saturday. And how it speaks to me is definitely no accident.
Something I heard years ago when I was first attending AA meetings, "Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake." There is a reason for all of this. Is it to make us stronger as a family? To bring me or my husband closer to Him? Only God knows.
And finally, I received this in my email this morning:
That I would rely on the strength of God.
God, help me to be strong and courageous, and remember that you are always with me. Make me to draw from the strength of your might, not my own. I trust in you to make strong my weakness through your sufficient grace in every circumstance.
(Joshua 1:6-9, Ephesians 6:1, Philippians 4:13, 2 Corinthians 12:9)
He's telling me what I need to do....now it's up to ME to listen.